No Love Lost Read online

  She’d loved Bliss, Colorado. There was nothing fancy about the place, yet it had been plain how much she’d wanted to fit in there.

  “Well, I’m sure she’s feeling pretty alone now,” Tag pointed out. “Unless you’ve gotten your head out of your ass.”

  He rolled his eyes even though Tag couldn’t see him. “My head is exactly where I want it to be. Look, I got her out. I’m staying with her and protecting her. We’re fine.”

  “I seriously doubt she’s fine. She understands that you hate her on an intellectual level, but living in close quarters with a man who despises you is another story.”

  “I don’t despise her.” He’d had to come to that conclusion weeks ago. It was easy to hate her when she wasn’t sitting in front of him. He could shove out all the good memories they’d made together when she wasn’t smiling and lighting up the room. Somehow when she walked in, the world seemed more vibrant than it had been before.

  “You put on a good front.”

  He sighed. “Yeah, and the second she’s in danger I toss out my whole life to rescue her.”

  “Ah, see, your brain does work. And what does that mean?” Tag asked.

  “It means I have complex feelings when it comes to her.”

  Tag chuckled. “Excellent. Explore those feelings, especially the ones concerning your dick. Now I know I talk a lot about how dicks are dumb, but sometimes dicks are so dumb they’re smart. Dicks don’t let the past get in the way of something they really want.”

  “Tag, I’m not one of your projects.” The last thing he wanted was for Tag to treat him like one of the Lost Boys.

  “I don’t have projects, brother,” Tag shot back. “I merely impart knowledge, and if anyone understands your position, it’s me.”

  He’d heard this lecture before. Charlotte had done Big Tag wrong by faking her own death and blowing up Tag’s life. She’d cost him his career with the Agency, and he’d mourned her for years before she’d shown back up in his life. To hear Big Tag tell it, he’d been a saint, welcoming his wife back with loving arms. To hear Charlotte tell it was a whole other story.

  It wasn’t the same. Charlotte had been trying to save her sister. She hadn’t sent Sean Taggart on a mission that got him killed—after Big Tag begged her not to do it.

  It wasn’t the same.

  “Do you have anything else you need from me? I’d like to read that report.”

  Big Tag was quiet for a moment. “I’ve got a printout and Chelsea’s got a report for you, too. We’ll be landing in Paris early in the morning. My package is being delivered in the afternoon, and then we’ll be heading back to the States if everything is in order. You should know Levi’s still in London. He demanded to be let into The Garden, and Damon gave him a tour.”

  So their plan was already in motion. “You expect he’ll show up in Paris.”

  “Oh, I think he’ll come sometime tomorrow, and I’ll be there waiting for him,” Tag promised. “You will stay in that hidey-hole of Rene’s. I know the bed looks small, but you can actually do some pretty nasty stuff on it. See, there was this time Charlie and I had to hide from a whole bunch of groups because she’d assassinated the head of a syndicate. Got stuck there for five days. Best days of my life, man.”

  He did not want to hear about how the man got his nasty on for five days. “We will definitely stay inside. Rene explained the way the place is set up. I might go downstairs for a while. Hopefully they have a hamster wheel like Sanctum. I could use a run.”

  “Unless he’s gotten all modern and shit, I wouldn’t look for that in Rene’s club. He’s pretty old school,” Tag replied. “Have you thought about the fact that Solo is very likely sexually submissive?”

  Only every minute of every day since he’d understood what D/s was really about. He’d sat in the classes at Sanctum and a couple at The Garden and finally realized what had been missing from most of his sexual encounters.

  He’d finally realized why sex was so much better with Kim.

  “Somehow I don’t think she’s going to be up for a session.”

  “I think after the day she’s had, a good long session ending with a screaming orgasm would be exactly what the doctor ordered,” Tag suggested. “But what do I know? Anyway, you might think about it. It could do you both good. Unless you’re willing to let me take her back to Dallas when it’s safe and have you go your own way.”

  He didn’t like the sound of that. “I’m not leaving her until I know she’s safe.”

  “That could be a while.”

  “It’s not like I’m doing anything else with my time.” When he thought about it, he’d been drifting since the divorce. He’d blamed it on his brother’s death, but pushing Kim away had been a big part of him losing his direction. He hadn’t thought about the future in anything more than a vague way in years. Not since he and Kim had sat up in bed and talked about having a couple of kids, eventually moving into the private sector so they could have a normal family life.

  “All right, then you should think about calling a truce since you’re going to be together for at least a few weeks, maybe longer. Better to spend that time working out your shit than fighting. See you tomorrow. And do I have to say it?”

  Ezra hung up because he didn’t need Big Tag to tell him to wear a freaking condom. Like he was fifteen and couldn’t control himself. Besides, he hadn’t had sex in a very long time, and Kim was on birth control. All operatives with working ovaries were.

  He wasn’t going to have sex with his ex. Not that she would. Except she’d spent the last several months saving his ass as often as she could. He could tell himself it was guilt, but she was as alone as he was. Neither of them had been able to move forward with their lives.

  Maybe it was time to figure out why.

  He dragged on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. What would it hurt to talk to her? To try to end the day better than they’d begun?

  He’d felt uncomfortable with some of the things she’d pointed out to him, and he was old enough to know that if he felt uncomfortable about it then she was probably right.

  He stood in front of the door to the bedroom and wondered if she would welcome him inside. Or punch him in the face. He would take either because either meant they were communicating.

  But what if they could find a better way to work through the pain? Tag was right. Kim was a deeply independent woman who needed to submit sexually to feel free to enjoy the pleasure sex could bring her. He was a man who needed control in order to truly unleash a part of himself he didn’t indulge in his daily life. It was why they’d been so good together back then.

  It’s why you can be good together now. All you have to do is stop being so fucking angry.

  Or he could talk to her. He could start there. He knocked on the door and waited.

  After a moment he opened the door and realized she was gone.

  Ezra shoved his feet in shoes and vowed to not let her get away.

  * * * *

  Solo wandered around the dungeon, letting her hands brush against the leather-covered furniture that probably wasn’t meant for seating. She was pretty sure she was looking at a spanking bench. The dungeon floor was a pretty red and black stained concrete, but the walls were mostly decorated with heavy velvet drapes that would mask the sounds coming out of here, trapping all those moans and groans and shouts of pleasure/pain in this space.

  She had to wonder how many times Beck had walked the floor of The Garden. The dungeon at Damon Knight’s London club was totally different from this, but it was every bit as decadent and beautiful.

  Of course she hadn’t been allowed to play. She’d been allowed to use one of the privacy rooms, specifically the one that contained a sauna, but only because she’d requested it for medical reasons.

  All of her life she’d looked for a place where she could be accepted. It sucked that Beck—the one who’d kind of had a stick in his ass when it came to sex—had been the one to find it. It would have been cool,
but he was the very reason she was left out in the cold.

  I’m sorry. Normally I welcome a submissive who wants to explore, but I think having you in the dungeon would make Ezra…uncomfortable.

  She could still hear Damon’s words when he’d turned her down. It had taken a lot of her pride and courage to ask him. It wasn’t easy to admit what she wanted. Of course she’d heard the words he hadn’t said—everyone would be uncomfortable. Even Ari.

  She’d gotten used to the fact that even her friend didn’t completely trust her. No one did.

  She groaned as the pain shot down her right leg, and she was reminded why she’d come down here in the first place.

  Pain.

  “Is it bugging you?” Beck asked.

  She nearly jumped out of her skin but managed to stay cool. “I didn’t hear you behind me.”

  “I thought we should still be quiet even though the light tells me we’re alone. You snuck out while I was in the shower.”

  “I didn’t think you would notice since you wouldn’t take the bed. Did I forget to close the door?” She’d snuck out because she’d needed a place to stretch. The bedroom was far too small, and she hadn’t wanted to bother Beck. They’d pretty much been silent for hours. She’d sat at the laptop searching the Deep Web for anyone who had information they would share with her. He’d been on the phone with Damon. She’d made them both sandwiches that she’d forced herself to eat in silence.

  “I opened it to check on you,” he admitted.

  Of course he had. He didn’t even trust her to sleep properly. “I wasn’t trying to leave if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “I know, but I did check to make sure your bag was still there. I know you think it would be easier to do this on your own.”

  She shook her head. “No, I don’t. Not in any way. But I do think it would be easier to have a partner who trusted me, who wanted to be with me.”

  His hands went to his hips, a sure sign all that silence from him was threatening to explode. “I came for you.”

  “I know, and I have to wonder why.” She winced as the pain shot through her again.

  “Lie down on the table. The one to your left.”

  “I’m fine but I need to stretch.” She’d managed to go hours without talking to him. She didn’t intend to start now.

  He wasn’t ready to move past what they’d been through. He might never be ready. When his brother had died, something had broken inside Beck and she wasn’t sure it could be healed. At least not by her.

  She would walk a bit and stretch and get through the pain.

  He moved in and she suddenly found herself swept up into his arms.

  “Hey,” she said even as she held on.

  “I’m sorry I’m being an ass,” he said quietly as he moved toward the table he’d pointed out. “I can’t seem to help myself with you.”

  “A good reason for you to go back to The Garden as soon as it’s safe.” In so many ways it would be easier to be on her own. Simply being around him broke her heart.

  He laid her gently on the big table. “Roll on your stomach. I still remember how to do this.”

  Because in the beginning, he’d been the one to deal with the pain left from her time with an unfriendly government. In their defense, she had been spying at the time, but it didn’t help the shooting pains she still got or the aches she suffered from the broken femur.

  Beck had been the one to come for her. Her husband. They’d only been married a few weeks when she’d gotten in trouble. He’d been the one standing at the opposite end of the tunnel at the prisoner exchange. He’d been the one to pick her up and hold her. He hadn’t let go of her hand until they’d wheeled her back for surgery.

  And Beck had been the one to hug her and kiss her and not give her a second’s grief when she went on her next assignment. He’d understood the job, known she was competent.

  She rolled on her stomach, giving him the access he needed. “I think eight hours in the car probably did it.”

  He put one big hand on the small of her back and heat flooded her system. “Really? You think it was the drive and not the fact that you were in a horrific car accident?”

  The minute he pressed down in exactly the right place she sighed. Sometimes the absence of pain was pure pleasure. “Can you call it an accident? I think that was pretty much what Ari intended to do. I’m not complaining. I was never happier to get out of a limo in my life. God, that feels good.”

  He started to work the muscle in easy strokes. “I would have done pretty much anything to get you out of that car. I know I was an ass earlier. I’m sorry. I do want to be here with you. It’s complicated. Ever since I saw you again in Colorado, I can’t stop thinking about you, about our marriage. I thought I was over it all.”

  “I don’t think our marriage is the kind of thing you get over. I know I haven’t, and I know why, but I don’t think we have the same reasons.”

  “Because you still love me.”

  She hated how vulnerable that made her, but it was true. “Yes.”

  “Why do you think that can’t be my reason, too?” Beck asked.

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to fight. Anything I say right now is going to push you over the edge and I just can’t.”

  He was quiet for a moment, his strong hands easing her pain. She wished she wasn’t wearing the pajama bottoms she’d found, wished she’d had a gown on instead so she could feel those hands on her skin.

  “That’s what I do, isn’t it? I argue with anything you say. Even if I agree with it, I fight. Do you wonder why that is?” Beck’s voice was as soothing as his hands.

  “Because you hate me.”

  “Because if I don’t, if I let my guard down for a single second, I’ll remember everything I ever loved about you and I’ll give in. But lately I’ve wondered if I’m not punishing myself as much as I am you. And I’m wondering why I’m punishing you at all.”

  She needed to remind him or they would both be in a bad position. She pushed up off the table so she could look him in the eyes. “Because you blame me for what happened to your brother. Please don’t forget that. I say it because I know if you forget, it won’t be long before something reminds you and we’re right back to you hating me again.”

  He stood where he was, dangerously close to her. “Tell me why you took the Colorado job.”

  Her chest felt too tight. It always did when she thought about the time she’d spent in Bliss. It had been a place she’d almost managed to think of as home. “It was Colorado. It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful. I got to spend months and months surrounded by those mountains and those crazy people. It’s the best job I’ve had and all I had to do was watch John Bishop.”

  “Tell me why you really took the job.”

  She kind of wished she’d taken the pain and stayed in bed. Telling him the truth would likely be far more uncomfortable than her leg had been. “Because you were involved with Ian Taggart, and I knew there was no way you didn’t end up in that town. Because John Bishop was one of Ian’s mentors. Because by then you had gotten involved in the Lost Boys lives, and it was a good bet someone was going to go for The Ranch.”

  The Ranch had been a research site funded by some of the darker elements of the CIA. It was a secret site deep in the Sangre de Cristo mountains. It was where Hope McDonald had done much of her early work. The site had been closed down suddenly and without notice, so all the research and data that had been inside had gotten trapped. She’d known the Lost Boys would someday come for that knowledge because they’d been a big part of those experiments.

  Beck stared down at her. “You wanted to work your way into my life again?”

  “No, asshole. I wanted to make sure you survived.” She started to move off the table. He was so fucking arrogant.

  He put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, I was asking. That’s all.”

  He was also forgetting a few very important facts about that time. “I didn’t exactly announce
I was there, you know.”

  His lips kicked up in the sweetest grin. “No, you made damn sure you were never in the same room with me. I thought River’s friend Heather was a figment of everyone’s imagination. Especially Tucker’s.”

  She winced. “He was definitely interested in female companionship. And he wasn’t picky about it at the time. We’re never telling his wife that story.”

  Roni was one of the only people in their world who didn’t look at her with suspicion. Roni had made her feel like one of the girls. She would do a lot to avoid hurting Roni Croft-Seeger.

  A single brow cocked over his eyes. “Yeah, you’re the one the less picky guys go for.” He studied her for a moment. “You’re still the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met.”

  She rolled her eyes at that. “Yeah, you followed Mia Lawless around for a good six months. I’m sure I’m still the most gorgeous.”

  His hand moved to the ponytail at the back of her head and he tugged gently. “I said what I meant, Kimberly.” He seemed to realize what he was doing and let go of her hair, backing off slightly. “I’m sorry. We’re in a dungeon and I’m acting like a Dom.”

  Her heart had started racing the minute his voice had taken on the deep timbre she remembered so vividly. “You were always a Dom. I just didn’t know what to call you.”

  She’d been all of twenty-two years old when she’d met him, and he’d been twenty-five. So freaking young, and they hadn’t even truly begun to explore their sexuality. She’d thought she would have decades with him, decades to learn with him, grow with him.

  She’d barely gotten two years with him from when they started dating to their divorce. It was funny that she’d been divorced from him for far longer than she’d been married, but those precious months were the most important of her life.

  “Yeah, I figured that out, too.” He moved so he was leaning on the table next to her, their hips almost touching. “Big Tag pointed out a lot of things to me. The man’s an ass but he’s an observant ass. He might have pointed out how much Mia looks like you. She was a safe version of you to follow around for a while. I didn’t even realize I was doing it at the time. I thought she was pretty and nice, and I had a job to do. She was also madly in love with Case Taggart. I never touched her. We became friendly, but I wouldn’t even say we were friends.”