Memento Mori Kobo Read online

  Her first impression of Jax hadn’t been false. He was broad and muscular, his face defined by stark planes and lines. He looked predatory and hungry.

  She could barely breathe. Maybe this was a mistake. She would have a hard time watching this gorgeous man fawn all over Heather. Something about him pulled her in, made her want to forget that she had terrible taste in men. It was like there was some invisible tether connecting her to him.

  Except that was stupid because he couldn’t be here for her.

  “I’m Heather and my very quiet friend’s name is River.” Heather was smiling that ridiculously sunny smile of hers, the one no man could resist. “Thanks for the fries. You know normally men send over drinks. I’m glad you’re so concerned with consent. That’s very forward thinking of you.”

  Tucker shook his head. “We’re not allowed to have sex without consent. Do we need a note? Like a contract?”

  Jax jabbed an elbow in his brother’s ribs. “He’s being a weirdo and moving way, way too fast. Sorry about that. He doesn’t get out much.”

  Tucker frowned and said something under his breath that sounded like neither do you, but then a sweet smile came over his face. “Sorry. Sometimes my jokes fall flat. Can we please join you? We’re in town for a week or so and besides the Russian dude, we haven’t met anyone.”

  “Sure.” Heather slid over.

  River did the same, expecting Tucker to slide in, but it was Jax’s big body that moved beside her. She felt tiny compared to him. She watched as Heather grinned her way as though to say you were wrong.

  Tucker sat beside Heather and started passing out the small plates.

  Jax probably wanted to be able to look at Heather. That was it.

  God, he smelled good. She kind of wanted to lean over and run her nose along his shoulder and up his neck. He smelled like soap and fresh pine.

  “Can I get you some? I like French fries but they’re even better with cheese and bacon. I think maybe everything is better with cheese and bacon, but if you want something else, I’ll get it for you. You can have anything on the menu. And I’ll buy the wine or beer or whatever. I merely wanted you to understand I don’t want to get drunk tonight. I would rather get to know you.”

  She turned, expecting to see Jax staring across at Heather. Nope. Those stunning green eyes were staring at her expectantly. He had a plate in his hand as though waiting for her permission to serve her.

  Her. He was looking at her.

  “She does talk,” Heather said. “I’ve heard her and everything.”

  “Yeah, I would love some.” She was hungry, actually. She could take the bacon off. The rest of it was perfectly vegetarian. It was odd. Her stomach kind of rumbled, but in a good way. For the last year and a half it seemed she’d lost her appetite and had to force herself to eat, but tonight she smelled the fries and cheese and wanted.

  And she wanted him, too. She wasn’t going to lie to herself. This time she would be smart. If he turned out to be a nice guy, she might spend the night with him. Might. And then she would send him on his way because he was a tourist.

  She wouldn’t fall for him because she wouldn’t spend more than a night.

  He used his fork to put a thick stack of cheese fries on her plate. “I hope you like them. What do you do for a living? I work in tech for the most part. A little security on the side.”

  He actually looked interested in her answer. “I’m a nature guide.”

  His eyes widened. “Seriously? That’s sounds interesting. Tell me about that.”

  She sat back and talked about something other than misery and death for the first time in forever.

  Chapter Three

  Jax looked out at the tiny cabin in front of him. River’s Jeep was open aired, it not being cold enough to put the “top up,” as she’d explained. When winter came she would put the hard top on the vehicle, but until then she liked the open air.

  He did, too. God, he loved it. He loved the way she drove and the fact that he could turn his head up and see a million stars blinking in the velvet sky above. He’d loved the wind against his hand when he’d stretched it out.

  He felt so fucking free.

  Beyond that he felt something for the woman beside him. Something he’d never felt before and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was. It had caused him to follow her out of Trio when he knew damn well he shouldn’t. He was supposed to stay with Tucker until Robert came to pick them up in a couple of hours. He wasn’t sure how he would get back, but it didn’t matter. He wanted more time with her. He wanted to be alone with her.

  River. He even liked her name.

  “This place is beautiful,” he said when she hesitated.

  She nodded but didn’t move from her seat. “I love it here. I went to college in Denver, but I always missed this place. When I was younger, my dad had a house in Creede. He started the business there, but when he could, he moved us out of town. My dad was a loner, I suppose. Creede has a population of four hundred and Dad thought that was way too many people.”

  “I know the feeling. I lived in London for a while. That was definitely too many people.” He kept his tone even. It was odd. Now that he was here, that hunger he always felt was tempered by her fear. He’d thought he would take anything offered to him, but he couldn’t having met her. If the blonde had offered herself up, he would have turned her down. Over the two hours they’d sat in the booth, eating fried food and drinking beer, he’d figured something out. Some people were more special than others. River was special. He should be more cynical. He could hear Damon Knight telling him to be cautious, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Perhaps it was the fact that he didn’t have a long well of history to draw from and to teach him that this was likely a mistake.

  It didn’t feel like a mistake.

  “Wow. I’ve never been farther than Kansas City.” She still wasn’t moving and her voice had taken on a tremulous tone.

  His heart constricted, and it was surprisingly easy to not listen to his dick. His dick was pleading with him to get aggressive. His dick was trying to convince him that if he could get inside her, she would accept him.

  Yeah, he wasn’t going to listen to his dick.

  “If you’ve changed your mind, I can call my brother to pick me up. I have a phone and so does he. His number is programmed in. I don’t want to scare you. I had a good time talking to you tonight. It was one of the nicest nights I’ve had in a long time.” Ever. It was the best night ever. It was the first night he felt normal, though he wasn’t exactly sure what that word meant. Comfortable was a better one. That tight feeling in his chest had eased as he’d sat in the booth with River and Tucker and Heather.

  Although he’d hated lying to her.

  She finally turned, looking at him. Her eyes shone in the moonlight. “You mean that, don’t you?”

  He wanted to touch her. He’d had to force his hands not to move toward her all night long. The most he’d allowed himself was to have their hips and shoulders touch as they’d sat next to each other. He’d decided it had been a good thing he’d sat next to her because he was fairly certain he had a case of Big Tag’s crazy eyes, and she would have seen them had he sat across from her.

  “I do mean it. Please don’t get me wrong. I want you. I would like nothing more in the world than to take you into that cabin, lay you out, and make a feast of you. I want to kiss you and when I say that I don’t merely mean your lips. I want to put my mouth all over your body. But more than I want that, I want you to like me.” It was important somehow. He wouldn’t see her after tonight, but he couldn’t stand the idea that she was afraid of him.

  Everyone was afraid of him. Everyone he knew was waiting for his powder keg to blow, but he’d sworn to himself earlier in the evening that it wouldn’t blow around her. He would protect her even if it was only for one night.

  “I’m not afraid. I’m nervous. I haven’t done this in a long time. Not the one-night thing. I’ve never actually done that. It’s the s
ex thing I haven’t done in a while. We were coming back here for sex, right?”

  Yep, his dick was trying to take over again. “Only if you want it. River, this is about you. I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me. If you would refer back to my previous monologue about my mouth on you, you’ll understand my motivations. But again, this goes only as far as you want it to go. If all you want is a kiss, I’ll be happy to provide it.”

  What she wouldn’t know was this would be his first kiss. Unlike some of his brothers, he hadn’t played around with the women at The Garden. There had been a sympathy to the encounters he couldn’t stand. It overrode even his horniness. Not that the others seemed to mind. Not all of them, of course. Robert hadn’t touched a woman because he was far too interested in Ariel, but the rest had all found women to comfort them.

  Jax didn’t want comfort. He wanted something more. He wanted…connection.

  Beyond that, he wanted a woman to want him, and not because she felt sorry for him.

  River had no idea what he’d been through. River didn’t understand how damaged he was. If she let him take her to bed…that was the problem. The word let. He didn’t want her to let him do anything. He wanted her to want him to do all those things that had gone through his head, all the nasty, hot, brilliant things he wanted to do to her.

  “I wouldn’t mind spending the night with you, but it won’t go anywhere.”

  It couldn’t go anywhere. “I’m only in town for a few weeks. And honestly, I have work to do while I’m here. I can’t promise you more than tonight.”

  He’d wanted her to know something real about himself, so he’d broken from their cover story. He’d told her what he actually did. Not that he was a professional train wreck, but that he worked in security and with computers. He’d then avoided talking much about it because he’d been more interested in her.

  He’d discovered she’d been through a bad divorce and the loss of her father, though she’d only briefly mentioned them.

  She seemed to think for a moment. “I’d like for you to come in. I’m going to be honest with you. I’m hesitant because I’m not sure why you’re here.”

  “I thought I covered that with the mouth on you speech. My dick is interested, too.”

  She laughed, finally turning to him. “You’re an odd man.”

  So she’d noticed. It hadn’t stopped her from inviting him back to her place. He gave the excuse Taggart had told him to give. “I was homeschooled.”

  She shook her head. “I’ve known many homeschooled kids. Somehow they turned out normal.” But she was laughing. She sobered suddenly as though remembering she shouldn’t laugh. “I meant I don’t know why you would pick me.”

  “What does that mean?”

  She frowned. “You know.”

  He shook his head. “No, I don’t. If I knew I wouldn’t have asked the question.”

  She stared at him like she was trying to figure something out. Maybe why he was so socially awkward. That could be what that stare was about. He was fairly certain she would run if he explained the situation to her.

  Well, River, I’m awkward because I’m basically a few years old. I was born into the body of a horny, apparently picky asshole who can’t remember anything past how to rob a bank and play around on the Dark Web. The only people who could have taught me how to function in society are all sarcastic ex-military dicks, so here I am, perfectly incapable of being a normal human being.

  Yeah, he wasn’t going to say that. He was going to be patient and wait.

  “You’re gorgeous and I’m not,” she said. “That’s what bugs me. I’ve never had a man who looks like you come on to me, and it makes me question why you’re here with me instead of Heather. I can see you with her. Not me.”

  “I wasn’t attracted to Heather.” He had no idea how to deal with this. How did he prove he was attracted to her?

  She gave him that look he’d realized meant someone thought he’d said something dumb. “Everyone is attracted to Heather.”

  “I barely saw her. I understand that she’s pretty, but I wanted you.” This was a conundrum. “I don’t know how to make you believe me. I paid attention to you the whole time. I tried to be courteous and attentive. Was I supposed to do something else? If you tell me what to do, I can probably do it.”

  She stared at him for a moment more and he was convinced she would turn the engine over and drive him right back into town. Instead she turned and slid out of the Jeep, grabbing her purse and walking around to the passenger side. She stopped in front of him.

  “You’re right. I’m making things difficult and it’s not your fault. You’ve done absolutely everything you could to make the evening nice for me, and I’m letting old wounds keep me from trying something new. I’m nervous and awkward and I think the only thing to do is for you to kiss me.”

  A flash of desire sparked through his body. Kiss her. He could do that. He’d watched people kissing. His last “home” had been a freaking BDSM club. He’d watched people fucking. He’d just never done it himself. He slid off the seat and stood in front of her, almost no space between them. “I’m nervous, too.”

  “Why would you be nervous?”

  “It’s been a long time since I did this, too.”

  “Sure, it has.”

  She was frustrating. “Why do you think I’m a liar?”

  “Because…” She shook her head. “Because I have a hard time taking people at face value. Because I have to sell this cabin. This is going to be one of my last nights here and it’s all because I trusted the wrong man and he took everything from me. I’m sorry. I guess I’m not ready for this. You don’t deserve someone who can’t ever trust you.”

  “Can you trust me to kiss you? Or maybe it would be better for you to kiss me. I meant what I said. I don’t want to take more than you’re willing to give. Kiss me. See if you want me. See if this is something you’re willing to risk one single night on.” He wasn’t giving up without a fight. Certainly not because someone out there had hurt her. He wasn’t going to hurt her.

  “You would do that for me? Let me be in control?”

  It would be difficult, but he could handle it. Hell, it might cover some of his awkwardness. His cock was up for the challenge. His cock had begun a low throb in his jeans. Fuck, he wanted her. He’d never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to walk inside that cabin with her, and given that there had been days he’d wanted his torture to stop, that was saying something. “Yes. Anything you want, and we’ll stop if you tell me to.”

  God, he hoped she didn’t want to stop. It might kill him, but he was determined to make this good for her. She was confusing and he still couldn’t take his eyes off her. He had no idea what it was about this woman that called to him. Though perhaps it was the sorrow he’d sensed in her, as though like called to like. As though if he could put their pain together, it would be eased in both of them.

  She reached out and her hand found his, the connection so warm he nearly sighed. “Come inside.”

  He followed her up the steps, watched as she took out a key and opened the single lock. The door was flimsy, utterly incapable of keeping anyone out. He could kick it in easily. He glanced around. There weren’t any other cabins out this far. They’d driven down a long path to get from the highway to the cabin. She was completely alone out here. “I think you need better security.”

  “From the bears?” She flipped the light on and closed the door behind him. She put her purse down. “Because that’s about all you’ll see out here. Across the river it’s all national forest land. Sometimes during the winter wolves find their way across, but not often. I can handle myself out here, Jax.”

  He still didn’t like the idea that she was out here all alone. Not that he could do anything about it. He had one night with her.

  Unless he could see her again. He would get his mission guidelines and then he didn’t see why he had to stay holed up in the house. Surely there would be other nights. Unless they
found the site quickly and moved out, and then he wouldn’t see her ever again.

  Which would be the best thing for her. He was a wanted man, and she could be in danger if she got caught up in his life.

  “Sorry. In London we had security procedures.”

  She cocked an eyebrow as she looked up at him. “Really. That sounds fancy.”

  He doubted the big, burly ex-SAS men who vetted every single person who came in and out of The Garden would like being called fancy. “My boss there was kind of paranoid.” He looked around the small space. There was a couch and a thick area rug covering the wood floors. To his right he could see the kitchen and a hallway that likely led to her bedroom. “This place is nice. It’s sad you have to sell it.”

  The light in her eyes dimmed and he wished he hadn’t mentioned that again. “Yeah, I wish I didn’t have to either, but I don’t want to talk about that now. I want to forget everything for a while.”

  “I want that, too.” He wanted to forget that he’d forgotten, to forget all the things he didn’t know, and feel like he was more than half a man for one night. “I’m going to sit down on your couch. When you’re ready, come and sit with me and we can talk or kiss or touch all you like. I want you, River. I want you very badly. You can’t know how much.”

  He moved into her small living room, settling himself on the couch. It was leather and comfortably worn in. There was a lounge chair beside it, the only two pieces of furniture in the room. Between the chair and couch sat a small table with a lamp and the remote to the TV. He was surprised how nervous he was. He’d faced down some bad shit and not had his heart race the way it was now.

  Because he hadn’t cared. When he’d had a gun in his face, he hadn’t cared if the man on the other side pulled the trigger. He hadn’t cared if Dr. McDonald got the dosage wrong and he never woke up. He hadn’t cared if the building fell down around him that night Taggart had raided.

  He cared that she liked him. He cared that she enjoyed the time she spent with him. Damn, but he cared that he got to touch her, to taste her. Not some random female. Her.