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  Or maybe he could try something different for a change. Maybe he could try something new.

  God knew he could use it.

  Chapter Two

  Jules frowned down at the paper. Her handwriting sucked, and it looked even worse next to her grandmother’s super-neat script. Of course, her grandma had use of her dominant hand and Jules was trying to make do with her right hand.

  Making do. Wasn’t that exactly what she was trying to do?

  That’s what her mom would call the cookbook. Making Do – How to Cook with One Hand Tied Behind Your Back—or left somewhere in Iraq.

  It was just an experiment. She’d found a box filled with her grandma’s recipes in the stuff Kevin had sent her from their old place in South Carolina. The recipes were the everyday food a housewife would cook. It was far too plebeian for her mother’s show. Many of the ingredients were canned or staples of a cupboard. Easy to put together.

  Maybe easy to cook with one hand.

  She’d been making a few notes on Slow Cooker Stuffed Bell Peppers.

  The key was trying to figure out how to use a knife with a hand she still felt clumsy with.

  Thunder shook her little space.

  Damn, something was going on outside. She glanced out the window and rain was coming down in sheets.

  It would be a long night. She didn’t like storms. Storms made her remember.

  Her cell phone trilled and she saw the number flash. Ah, the cavalry. She had to smile as she ran her finger across the screen. “Hello, Doc. How are you?”

  Kai Ferguson’s voice came over the line, smooth and peaceful. “Well, I was calling to ask you the very same question.”

  It was good to have someone give a shit about her. “It’s just a storm. I’ll be good.”

  “Jules, you don’t have to be strong. You nearly died in a storm. You lost your hand and it hasn’t been very long since that night. It’s all right to be afraid,” he said. “Kori was wondering if you might want to come over for dinner and a movie.”

  Kori Ferguson was as kick ass as her husband. Though Jules hadn’t been in town long, she’d been more than happy to find a place where she didn’t feel like a freak. That was one of the best things about Top. Chef chose to hire as many veterans as he could, and he didn’t care how many limbs they came with. Or rather, he really did because he immediately offered his employees Kai’s services. But she was an adult and it was time to stop flinching when the thunder rolled in. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, Kai, but I need to do this.”

  “All right, then. Did you think about what we talked about on Thursday? I ask because there’s a play party coming up at a place I trust. If you would like to go I would send you with an instructional Dom to test the waters and see if it’s something you’re interested in.”

  Ah, the BDSM question. It was one of the perks of being a Top employee, though the trainee program was shut down for a few months. They’d reached capacity, but there would always be people moving in and out. She’d indicated she was interested and Kai took that seriously.

  Was she interested? Kind of, but she wasn’t even sure if she would be a top or a bottom. Still, what the hell else was she doing with her life? “Would he know about me? You know, about my arm?”

  There was a slight pause that let her know Kai was dealing with her carefully. “Yes, if you like I would make sure he knew. Though you should understand I would never choose someone who would reject you. This is a training relationship.”

  She winced. He was right. This Dom wouldn’t be looking to date her. It wasn’t a sexual thing. It was a very polite agreement to show her around and talk to her about what she saw and felt. “Forget I said anything. Seriously, Kai, I wasn’t thinking. Anyone you would recommend is great. I would like very much to go.”

  “Excellent. I’ll send you all the information tomorrow. And again, if you find it’s hard to get through tonight, call us. We’re watching some sort of horror film about sharks. You would be saving me.”

  “I’ll remember that. Thanks, Kai.” She hung up with him.

  The lightning flashed and thunder shook the building. She took a deep breath. A long and lonely night. It would be all right. She would find a movie to watch and get cozy on the couch. Maybe a romance.

  The night before she’d sat next to Javier at family dinner. He’d been polite, talking to her about how well the sauce had gone and asking questions about her background.

  He’d been attentive, his focus on her. He’d made sure she had everything she needed and then he’d walked her back to their apartment building just two blocks away.

  It had been a long time since she’d had a man pay that much attention to her. Not since she and Kevin had started dating. It had been nice at first, and then when she’d realized how invested she was getting in a single conversation with the man, a little unnerving.

  She’d found herself giggling and flirting and she’d had to shut that shit down.

  She wasn’t sure what Javier was doing by spending so much time with her, but she needed time to think about it.

  Another blast of lightning and then thunder that shook the world around her. Well, she would have time tonight since there was zero chance she was sleeping through this. She would be up all night long.

  She reached for her pencil. With her left hand.

  God, when would she stop doing that? It had been eighteen months and she still reached out like her hand was there, like she could pick up the pencil and easily write down her ideas on tweaking the spices the way she used to with her mom’s recipes. When would it become natural to remember that her left hand was gone? To not feel it?

  When she dreamed at night she could cook. She was the chef, her knife moving with consummate ease, chopping with perfect precision.

  And then she woke up and could barely open a can of coffee without making a mess.

  She needed a distraction. Hopefully there was a movie on TV.

  The lights went out, everything going quiet and still.

  Shit.

  She waited for a moment. Come on. Turn back on.

  Nothing.

  She’d paid her bill. It couldn’t be that. Jules got up and went to the window. Yep. Everything was dark up and down the block. They’d blown a transformer somewhere.

  All alone with the storm. Maybe she should call Kai. And ask him to get out in the middle of this? That seemed pretty selfish, especially since she knew exactly how poorly traveling through storms could go.

  A hard flash of white light made her jump back.

  Nope. She wasn’t going there. She was going to stay in the here and now, and that meant finding a flashlight and trying to get some candles lit. Someone was out there working on getting the power back on, and then she would ride out the storm watching rom coms and falling asleep on the couch. It was going to be okay. Deep breath. It was going to be okay.

  A few moments later she’d found her one flashlight and had a nice set of candles out, and she was faced with the problem of lighting the suckers. Oh, she had a big box of matches, but she’d never struck a match without her left hand.

  A lighter would be easier. She could figure out a lighter maybe. Jules tried holding the box against the table with her stump while she struck the match with her right hand. She fumbled, the action so unnatural it made her slip up and break the match.

  And the second one.

  And the third one.

  Tears pierced her eyes, but she wasn’t going to shed them. She was going to figure this out or she would make do with the flashlight. It was all about adapting. That was what she had to do. Adapt.

  She wasn’t going to let this beat her. Normally she was tough. The accident had happened and she dealt with it. She didn’t feel the need to sit down and cry when she had trouble opening a can or working her phone. But between the storm and the conversation with Suzanne the day before about her mother and the sweetness of flirting with a handsome man she couldn’t have, she was feeling particularly v
ulnerable.

  Jules took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to sit here in the dark and cry.

  A knock on the door made her gasp and jump.

  Fuck. She wasn’t like this. She hated this…this anxiety she got when it rained. It was weakness and she couldn’t abide it.

  If you walk away from this you’ll ruin your life, Juliana. Don’t think I’ll watch you do it. You go through with this and you do it on your own. Am I understood?

  Sometimes she felt like she was still seven years old, and if she could just get her mom’s attention everything would be okay.

  Jules gripped the flashlight and walked across her apartment to the door. It was likely one of the neighbors coming to check on her. Actually, that was an excellent idea. She could go down and see if Mrs. Gleeson needed some company. There were some elderly residents she could check on and a single mom she’d met at the end of the hall. She could see if she could be of any assistance and that would get her through the night.

  She opened the door expecting to see anyone but the man she saw standing there.

  Javier Leones. He had a flashlight in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. He was wearing jeans and a button down that he’d left undone enough she could see a nice swath of golden brown skin. His hair was deliciously mussed, as though he’d taken a shower and simply rubbed a towel over it to get it dry.

  He was big and male and so sexy it hurt to look at him, and Jules realized she could do something else to take her mind off things.

  Those plump, sensual lips of his broke into a bright smile. “I thought you might like some company. I know I would. I actually don’t have any candles. I was sitting in my living room with this one sad flashlight. You look like a woman who has some candles.”

  But she couldn’t light them. She hadn’t figured that part out.

  His face fell and he walked into her place, closing and locking the door behind him. “Hey, what’s wrong? It’s okay if you don’t have any candles. It’s cool. Two flashlights are better than one.”

  He set the flashlight and wine bottle down and moved into her space, his hands coming up to cup her shoulders. “Jules, what’s wrong?”

  She had to be stronger than this. She shook her head. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

  His jaw tightened. “Don’t. Please don’t. I live with a stubborn asshole who won’t let me help him in any way. I get that we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, but I thought we were friends. You help me out all the time. You’re kind to me. Fucking let me be kind to you. Please let me feel like I’m worth something.”

  If he’d said anything else, joked about the weather or told her to suck it up, she could have, but he’d opened a door. He’d been vulnerable and honest, and she found she couldn’t pay that back with stubbornness.

  “I have plenty of candles and I can’t figure out how to light them.” Tears rolled down her face. She was vulnerable. All the time. Even when she pretended like she wasn’t.

  “You can’t…” he began and then he looked down. Instead of stepping back and giving her space, he drew his hand down her arm, warming her skin where he touched her. It was dark but the moon was full and gave enough light to see the outline of his face. There was no look of horror there. He caressed her arm until he got to the place where she’d been split apart and sewn back together unwhole. He brought it up and wrapped it against his palm, his fingers closing around it until the whole thing was surrounded with his warmth. “You haven’t figured out how to do it yet. Probably hasn’t come up or you would know what to do. How long since you lost your hand?”

  “A year and a half,” she said. He was touching her there. No one had touched her there except her doctors and therapists.

  Come to think of it, no one had touched her at all since before the accident. Had it really been so long since she’d felt warm flesh against her own? He was close, close enough that all she would have to do was go up on her toes to brush her lips against his.

  Would that be wrong? As long as she remembered who she was dealing with, why couldn’t she take a few moments of respite for herself? If he wanted her.

  He stepped back, letting go of her arm and leaving her colder than she’d been before. “I have no doubt that you can figure out how to make it work, but let me help out tonight. Like I said, I spend all my time with a cranky vet.”

  He had the flashlight back in his hand and he quickly found the candles and matches.

  “How is Rafe doing?” She needed to slow down because she wasn’t even sure she was his type. Though his type seemed to be female and willing.

  Was she really going to suggest that they go at it?

  He lit the first match, touching it to one of the candles and then another. “His surgery went well. They’re keeping him until Wednesday. I’m hoping that he won’t be in as much pain after the procedure and that will spur him to actually try in his rehab sessions.”

  “I know it sucks at first, but it’s one of those things that gets easier the more you do it,” she said, watching him move the candles around until they lit the whole room. Yeah, the light did not take anything away from how lovely he was. “Using the prosthetics, though obviously it’s a long process. I’m not entirely comfortable with mine. It hurts sometimes. I’m clumsy with it so I try to do a lot without it.”

  “Yours is body powered?” Javier asked, setting the last of the candles down.

  He knew a lot, but then he had a brother who’d been through it all. “Yes, I chose the body powered over electric.”

  “Why? The electric would be more functional.”

  “It’s also way more expensive,” she replied.

  He seemed about to say something, but then let it go. “How’d you lose it? If you don’t mind my asking.”

  Somehow she didn’t with him. He was part of the “family,” so to speak. “I jumped in the water to save this family that had been fleeing… I don’t even know if they were fleeing us or the bad guys. You know it’s all relative in the middle of battle when you’re a civilian. They were on this raft thing and it was coming apart. I went out with a team to save them. It was storming and dark. We could barely see them. You don’t want to be out on the water in a storm in that gulf, let me tell you. We were supposed to stay in the boat; try to save them, but stay in the boat. I couldn’t. I jumped in and managed to save the six-year-old, but when I was trying to climb back in the boat we got hit by a wave and I was tossed off. I was in all the right gear and everyone did the right things, but at some point, that raft came undone and I got smacked with it. Nearly drowned and ended up cutting the hell out of my hand on one of the nails they used. Went to the infirmary after a hard-core dressing down and that was where I picked up the staph infection. I left a good portion of my arm behind, got a discharge, and the rest is history.”

  “That’s rough. Can I stay for a while? I did bring wine. I hope you like Pinot,” he said, holding up the bottle.

  “There’s a corkscrew in the drawer next to the dishwasher. I can open a bottle of wine with one hand,” she admitted. “I taught myself how to do that really fast.”

  “I like a woman who has her priorities straight.” He quickly found the corkscrew. “Hopefully this doesn’t go on for long, but the last time we lost power it was four or five hours. Do you mind if I hang out here? I’m not much of a loner.”

  “I don’t like storms so I don’t mind the company at all.” She opened the cabinet and found a couple of wine glasses.

  He poured like a man who had taken many a shift at the bar. “I can imagine it reminds you. Let’s talk about something else. How did you get into the business?”

  Wow, something she wanted to talk about even less than how she lost her hand. “I got the job at Top because I knew Eric. He was actually closer to my ex-husband, but we were all friendly. When I got out, Kevin called him and asked about a job.”

  He handed her the glass. “You’re friendly with your ex?”

  So many subjects she didn’t like to talk a
bout. What did that say about her? She was getting closed off to the world and people around her—what would be left? “I guess we went into the marriage more as friends than anything else. We were both in the Navy. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. When I left the Navy, suddenly the marriage wasn’t right for him anymore. I don’t blame him. It wasn’t a super passionate thing.”

  And she’d liked it that way. It had been comfortable. She hadn’t been devastated when he’d left, hadn’t sat and cried for days like her mother had. Like she had when her father left. The divorce with Kevin had gone as smoothly as their marriage had most of the time. It had proven to her that she was right. People came together when it worked for them and broke apart the minute it didn’t. Being practical was important.

  Javier leaned against the bar. “Really? Not a true love kind of girl, huh?”

  “If there is such a thing, I haven’t found it,” she admitted.

  “Why do you think people get married then? Why do some of them stay together for life? My parents did. My mama still mourns my papa.” He was staring at her, obviously waiting to see what she would say.

  She wasn’t going to get into an argument with him. If his parents had managed to stick it out for life then good for them. “Funny, I wouldn’t think you would be the one to argue for true love.”

  He winced. “I’m not as bad as my reputation might seem. I will admit I’ve done my fair share of partying, but I’ve had some relationships. I’m not against having another one if the right person came along.”

  This felt much better than talking about her. “Did blondie come back?”

  He sighed and took a drink. “Yeah, you were right on point about her. She ran as fast as she could the minute I had more responsibility than driving her home from a night of fun. I’m pretty sure she was only interested in me for connections to Sanctum.”

  “I thought Sanctum membership was closed.” That was what she’d been told.

  “Not exactly. They’re not running training classes right now. Big Tag doesn’t want the club to get too full. There are a lot of very powerful people who play at Sanctum and they get nervous when there are too many people around.”