Memento Mori Kobo Page 15

  The puppy he’d adopted earlier in the day had two paws on the window, his face pressed against the glass, eager eyes open wide. He barked, a little yelping.

  River gasped, reaching in and gently pulling the dog out. “You have a puppy. Why would you bring a puppy to a bar?”

  “Because he’s a gift for you.”

  The puppy was already madly in love. He licked at River’s hands, face, neck. It must be nice to be a dog because he just got to lick River all he liked. The dog didn’t need consent.

  “What?” She glared his way but still held the puppy close. Her hand went over the dog’s thick fur. “You can’t give a pet as a gift unless you know the person wants one. It’s not like this is a bracelet. This is a living thing that requires a lifetime commitment.”

  Heather had told him she needed a pet. On the night they’d met, River had mentioned she’d lost her dog a few months before she’d lost her dad. Heather had said a lot of things about how surrounded by death River had been, and now she needed life around her. “You like dogs. You talked about Jango last night and you sounded like you missed him. I know I can’t replace him, but this guy needed a home and you need someone to watch out for you. I know he’s tiny, but he’ll probably bark a lot. I don’t like the thought of you out there all by yourself. Anything could happen. Even a small dog can help scare off a person who’s trying to get into your cabin.”

  “Small?” She held the dog up, inspecting him. “You have got to be kidding me. This dog is a St. Bernard mixed with a Great Pyrenees. This dog is going to be massive. This is an overgrown cuddle buddy.”

  And that was where he’d made his mistake because he’d kind of meant for the dog to be the security system and he would be the overgrown cuddle buddy.

  “What are you looking for, Jax?” She held the dog close again.

  How to answer that question. He rather thought she might run if he told her the truth. He was looking for a reason to keep going. He was looking for something good to hold on to. He was looking for something to answer his suffering with—a balance to all his pain. “I want to spend time with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

  She shoved the dog at him. He found himself with ten pounds of scrambling mutt.

  “I’m not buying your bullshit.” She reached into her purse and came out with her keys. “The dog is cute, but I don’t have time for a pet right now. I hope you two will be very happy together.”

  The dog whined as though realizing a good thing was getting away.

  “I don’t think Big Tag will let me keep him.” He was confused again. He’d been honest with her about how beautiful she was. He’d taken revenge on her enemies. He’d done everything Heather had told him to and given clear signals that he was more than willing to do what Kayla had told him to do. He couldn’t simply perform oral sex on her in the bar parking lot. He’d done everything he could do to convince her to let him back in.

  Where had he gone wrong?

  He had to come to the reasonable, logical conclusion that she didn’t want him. The reasonable, logical thing to do would be to go back into the bar and find another woman.

  He didn’t want anyone but her. He worried he might never. He’d been surrounded by lovely women before, but River was the only one to move him. Big Tag would likely slap him on the back, tell him he was the memory equivalent of a toddler and he should give himself time, but her rejection caused an ache in his heart he hadn’t expected.

  He watched as she opened the door to the Jeep and hopped in without looking back.

  The Jeep roared to life and she put it in reverse, dirt and gravel crunching around her tires. She didn’t have the hard top on so he could see her plainly. Her dark hair had escaped from the pony tail she’d had it in before the bar fight. It swirled around her shoulders as she shoved the Jeep into first gear. She stopped, her head swiveling around so their eyes met, and he stood there feeling as stupid as he ever had in his short life. And that was saying something because he so often felt like a moron.

  He was stupid because he memorized her in that moment. He memorized how her eyes flashed in the moonlight, how her lips trembled like she had something to say. Later, he would make up all the things she could have said to him. Things like, I forgive you, Jax. Get in the car, Jax. Run away with me, Jax.

  “Good-bye, Jax.” She put the Jeep into first gear and drove away.

  And he was left with a whining dog. A dog who knew damn well things hadn’t gone the way they should have. Things had taken a bleak turn and they were both screwed.

  Disappointment sat in his gut. He would drop the fucking mutt right where they were standing and let it fend for itself. It would probably get eaten by something out here, but that was kind of the way of the world. That was the natural order of things. The soft got eaten to make the strong stronger.

  He would walk back into the bar and do what he should have done in the first place. He would beat the shit out of whoever he could, let them beat the shit out of him. He wouldn’t think about River again.

  The dog whined and he made the terrible mistake of looking at it. Right in the eyes. Right in the big, dumb, trusting eyes. The dog leaned over and licked him on the cheek, nuzzling him and asking for affection. Begging for it, really. The dog was too stupid to know that he was a train wreck who had nothing to give anyone at all. The dog only knew he better find someone to love or the world would be a cold place.

  Jax sighed and put the animal against his chest, trying to calm him down. “Big Tag’s going to kill me, buddy.”

  He knew how hard the world was. Maybe the dog never had to know. Maybe the dog only had to know affection and kindness. Maybe the natural order of the world sucked and he could fight it in any way he could, his strength protecting the weak.

  The dog whined again but settled in his arms.

  “Yeah, I’m going to miss her, too.”

  Twin lights nearly blinded him as a vehicle turned into the parking lot. It took him a moment to realize it was a familiar Jeep.

  River frowned at him. “Just get in. Get in and bring Buster with you.”

  She’d come back for them? But she was totally wrong about the name. “The doc told me his name is…”

  “His name is Buster,” she growled.

  There were times when he should simply agree. “Absolutely. He is obviously a Buster.”

  Her expression changed slightly, her eyes softening. “This is about sex. Just sex.”

  But it wasn’t. Even he knew that. Again, it was time to agree. “Just sex.”

  He climbed into the Jeep beside her, Buster in his arms. He would take anything she gave him.

  For now.

  * * * *

  She put the Jeep in park and slammed out of the driver’s side door. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

  She was the single stupidest human on the planet. She had been out. She’d been free and clear and he wouldn’t have called her again. If she’d driven away, he would have taken his intensely adorable dog and his hot bod and gone his own way. Maybe he would have gone back into the bar and taken up Blondie on her aggressive offer. But no. She hadn’t driven all the way home. She’d stopped first and told him good-bye. She’d stared at him standing there with the cutest little fluff ball she’d ever seen. He’d looked hopeless and yet he’d clutched the dog gently.

  And she’d still managed to drive away. Only to U-turn and come back because she’d realized she would never, ever get that image out of her head. She would go to her damn grave thinking about that man and that dog and what could have happened if she’d been the tiniest bit brave.

  She turned and found Jax standing behind her, still holding on to Buster. The whole way back to the cabin, they’d been silent. Jax had tried to talk once, but she’d shut him down. He’d gone quiet and she kept her eyes on the road. Only once had she looked over and then she’d found both man and dog hanging their heads out, smiling into the wind.

  If she let herself, she would fall head over heels in lov
e with them both, and that wasn’t going to happen. “I want sex.”

  “I would like that, too.”

  She shook her head. “No, stop. I’m giving you my terms. We’re going in that cabin and we’re going to have sex, and then you are going to take Buster and go back to your place.”

  He frowned. “I don’t have a car.”

  Not her problem. “Fine. You can call your brother.”

  “My brother might be in jail after that bar fight you started.”

  He had a point. “You can call a….” There was no taxi service in Bliss. He couldn’t walk all that way. “Fine. I’ll drive you back, but you have to take the dog.”

  Buster was squirming in his arms. “You don’t like him?”

  The way he said it was like he was asking if she liked him. Like he was some gorgeous boy asking what he’d done wrong that she couldn’t like him anymore.

  It made her soften. “He’s sweet, but I can’t keep him.”

  And she couldn’t keep Jax.

  “My boss will be upset. I’m not supposed to have a dog.” He breathed long and deep. “But I can’t take him back. I think he would get confused. Maybe Big Tag’ll kick me out. It wouldn’t be so bad. I’ve got a coat now. I agree to your terms.”

  Terms? She’d given him terms? She guessed she had. “Good.”

  “I have terms of my own.”

  It had been far easier the night before. The night before they’d simply fallen into bed. This negotiation thing was weird and disconcerting, but she’d started it. “All right.”

  “You’ll see me every night you can while I’m here.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Neither is me walking into that cabin with you when you won’t open yourself up to me again. I’m not even taking a risk here. You won’t like me again. You’ve made up your mind. Now you’ve decided to use me for sex.”

  “That’s what you’re using me for, too.”

  “No,” he argued. “I’ve thought a lot about this and I was never using you for sex. I like it, the sex, that is. But I was using you because I’m desperate to feel close to someone. I knew the minute I saw you that I wanted to be close to you, to get to know you.”

  Sweet words, but she wasn’t sure she could believe them. Still, it wasn’t like the sex had been iffy. It had been spectacular. It had been addicting. If she went into it knowing they had an end date, she could protect herself. Besides, if there was any way she could find Matt’s other victims and help them out, shouldn’t she take it? “If I say no to your terms I suppose you’ll back out on helping me disperse that two million you reclaimed.”

  He hadn’t really stolen it. He’d released money that had never been Matt’s in the first place.

  “I’ll do everything I can to help you and the people he hurt. Even after we move on from here, I’ll stay in touch,” he promised. “I’ll find them all. I swear this to you. I want you to sleep with me because you want me. Even if it’s only sexually.”

  “That’s all it can be.” She made her decision. “All right, why don’t you stay here with me while you’re in town.”

  A slow, sexy smile curled his lips. “I will. And one more thing, I have to insist on. I’m in control. I want you to follow my lead when it comes to sex. I want to talk about it more than we did last night.”

  The idea of him taking control made her far more excited than she was comfortable with, but then nothing made her comfortable right now. “We talked a lot last night.”

  “Yes, about trivial things, and I loved talking to you. I want to talk about sex. I want you to tell me what you like and what you don’t like. I want to know what your fantasies are.”

  She might have given up on fantasies long ago. “I want to be out of my head for a while. I don’t want to think, Jax.”

  “You don’t have to think about anything but me and what we’re going to do together.” He frowned. “This is very hard to do when Buster is trying to lick my mouth.”

  He was. The pup was desperately looking for some affection, and it was obvious Jax was, too. Yet he didn’t toss the dog down or even ignore him. He would be a good dog owner. Matt had always complained about Jango. He’d argued they should put him down far before it had been necessary. Somehow, she doubted Jax would have done that. Somehow, she could see him helping her take care of the dog she’d raised from a puppy. “Did you get him a crate?”

  He nodded. “The vet gave me a list of things and the ladies from the Trading Post helped me find it all. He’s got a crate. It’s small though. I wish I’d bought a big one now. It’s inside your place. I put all of his stuff in there. You’ll have to let me know if I got everything we need.”

  He had to be joking. The door looked fine. He had the weirdest sense of humor.

  “I’m sure it’s perfect for now.” She reached a hand out. “Puppies need smaller crates. We’ll get him a bigger one later on.” She stopped. He wouldn’t be here when Buster got big. “I mean, I’ll help you. I’ve raised dogs since I was a kid. You help me with the revenge thing and I’ll help you with Buster. Let’s go inside. And Jax, you can’t break into my place.”

  “But I did and quite easily.” He followed her up the steps as she put the key in the lock. “I picked that lock in under thirty seconds. It’ll be better next week when the new door comes. A sickly kid could kick yours in.”

  He was right about that, but she wasn’t sure she liked him butting into her…she stopped and stared at the living room. The place was filled with candlelight and someone had changed her utilitarian pillows and the plain quilt on her couch for gorgeous, overstuffed luxury throw pillows and a soft-looking blanket.

  Someone? “Jax, what did you do?”

  “That depends,” he said, studying her. “Do you like it? Because if you do then I found some stuff that I thought you would like. I didn’t throw anything out. It’s all in the closet. I’ll change it back if you don’t like it. Of course, if you don’t like it, then we should call the sheriff because someone broke in and left all this shit.”

  If he was playing her, then he’d gone all in. “How did you get this done in a day? Half a day, really. And I love it.”

  She hadn’t realized how big a difference a small change could make. The candles made the room look totally different from the one she’d spent months and months existing in. This room was full of warmth and life.

  Jax had given that to her.

  “The candles are fake. I would never have lit all of them and then walked away. That goes poorly. Believe me, I know. I got creative in The Garden once and that was a fun night. People get so pissy when they get wakened in the middle of the night by sprinklers coming on.”

  “I like it.” She turned to him. “Tell me you’re not playing me for some weird reason I can’t understand.”

  “I’m not playing you.”

  “Then I think you should put the puppy in his crate and kiss me.” They had a few weeks. She would revel in him. And she wouldn’t get attached to the dog.

  Or the man.

  She promised.

  Chapter Nine

  Maybe it had been the candles that did the trick. He would have to thank Heather for suggesting that he do something to liven up River’s living room. She’d explained that River hadn’t changed anything in the cabin in years, and apparently that was important. He wasn’t sure why shiny throw pillows and a super soft faux fur blanket put a smile on her face, but he was happy it was there.

  Wait until she saw what they’d done to her utilitarian bedroom.

  She’d asked him to kiss her. It was his time now. She’d agreed to his demands and that meant he was taking over.

  “Take off your clothes, River.” He knelt over and opened the crate he’d purchased. Buster wiggled and squirmed, whining a bit. He looked so sad when he managed to turn and look out of the cage. Damn cage. He hated leaving him there. When he was house trained, that dog wouldn’t see the inside of a cage again. Jax pas
sed a chew toy to Buster and he settled down.

  He turned and River was staring at him. “Your clothes are still on.”

  “It’s weird to undress in front of someone. I thought we would do what we did last night.”

  “What we did last night left you with the completely wrong impression that I wasn’t serious and that’s why we are in this situation in the first place. So we’re going to do it my way.” He hadn’t known he had a way, but this seemed a little like computers. The doc could erase his mind, but he learned again and quickly. “I would like to see you naked. I have friends who are into a lifestyle called Dominance and submission. I’m not as invested, but I thought you might like to play. I know I would.”

  She bit her bottom lip, a sure sign that he’d made her nervous. “That sounds kinky. I’ve heard rumors that Stef Talbot does something similar. I don’t know if I want to try that.”

  “Is he married?”

  She nodded.

  “Does his wife seem like he grinds her under his boot?”

  A wary smile crossed her face. “She practically glows.”

  Thank god Talbot wasn’t a douche. “You can stop me at any time. You can say no. I won’t press. I’m asking you to take off your clothes for two reasons. The first is that I think you’re gorgeous and I want to see you naked again. The second is that you need to learn how gorgeous you are. You need to stop seeing yourself as something less.”

  She hadn’t done the things he had. She’d lived a good life. He had to believe that if he was good, he could have good in his life, too.

  “Do you think your brother is going to need you tonight?”

  “I’ve worked out all the problems.” Tucker was going to cover for him. And Dante, well, Dante would be far too busy dealing with the laxative he’d slipped into his drink. Dante wouldn’t be drugging him again anytime soon. “I’m not leaving again, River. You said I could stay until we need to move out. I’m going to stay unless you don’t want me to. Now do you want to sit down and talk about this or do you want to take off your clothes and let me look at you.”